3lbs less to happiness

if you have spent more than 10 minutes talking to me in the past month you've heard a lot of rambling about my fitness goals. scratch that--if you've talked to me in the last 5 years you've heard a lot of rambling about my fitness goals. and if you've read more than one of my blog posts, you also have sadly been victim of my continuous whining about my "goal weight" "gym addiction" or "weight loss" goals.

well close the browser now, because this is yet another-jps is on the soap box- posts which will also contain updates on yes- you've guessed it, my fitness.

this weekend thanks to the rain, i had a "to myself" type weekend, spending more time with myself and this computer in this apartment than i have since i've moved here (in april) and enjoyed it very much. thanks to the crap weather,  i came to a place that was quiet but enjoyable. partly to blame was the cancelled first date from a new guy that i'm already a bit suspect about. i think he could be a good thing but for now we have asked for support keeping all fortresses up around this heart of mine.

this weekend i also thought about my weight. a lot about my weight and my eating and my fitness. thanks to grace i finally had a name for my continued 'scolding' i give myself with every missed gym night; perfectionism. being a perfectionist it's never okay to just "miss a gym class" or to have gained 3lbs and not quickly drop it within a week of quitting the part time job i was pretty confident added the weight.

as a perfectionist, its not okay to enjoy a couple glasses of wine by myself and the head to bed. its not okay to waste that buzz. somehow this weekend, i told that scolding voice to simmer down a bit. to let me focus on some other things that bring me happiness and worry about the weight another day.

and i did just that. i focused on my apartment and am actually relaxed and have most of my laundry done and put away, a kitchen that sits with an empty sink and a calmness around myself.

and i thought about the potential suitors i have lined up. i thought about friends. i thought about jps 3lbs lighter and 7lbs heavier.  i've thought about your comments with ever post i post complaining about the added weight. and i thought about your comments when you made me feel uglier than any moment i've ever felt.

my conclusion is one that maybe doesn't make sense, but maybe you've noticed now that i'm not someone that likes to be figured out or fit the norm, although reifler told me i'm pretty predictable. despite enjoying every delicious non macrobiotic food in the past couple of weeks and managing to stay at the +3 lbs weight gain, i can't say i'm any happier.  sometimes i think if i found someone that accepted me with the extra cushion here and the less defined abs, that i would calm down and let myself eat and be merry.

however, i don't want to find that guy. i don't want the guy that put me in a corner and said some pretty horrible things albeit drunk, but i want the guy who lists his interests on his FB page as me. and i want the guy that wants to be healthy and fit for himself and myself and doesn't let me settle for trans fat and carbs.

because i like myself most when i lift up my shirt in the mirror and spend ten minutes playing with the different angles i can actually see my abs. and i am most excited when my pants are a bit big when once tight.

just like i the jps that doesn't settle for just anyone, i can't settle for the extra cushion that is not letting me fit into my somewhat skinny jeans.

but here's my grace- grace. much to the dismay of the perfectionist within me, i'm going to do it on my own accord. i'm going to perfect that art of living and enjoy my life day by day without hating myself the days i don't do A or B.

driving a standard car is really awesome. and when you do it well you are truly in control. you don't need to use your breaks as often and you can slow your car down and speed up taking full advantage of the gears. if you anticipate a curve in the road you can drop down into 3rd and then 2nd when you are about to hit traffic. you can coast down a hill and get up to 5th gear (or even 6th these days!) when you're on 95 heading up to NH. and when you need to or are tired or are learning, you can in fact, use the brakes. and its okay. regardless of which gear, whether you use your brakes or even the e-brake a little on super steep hills--it doesn't matter the whole time you are still driving that car. and you are still in the drivers' seat.

i'm going to drive. i'm going to stay in the drivers seat and all i'm concerned with is myself at the wheel. no backseat drivers or haters-- i'm going. and when i get there-- i'll be there, three lbs lighter.

fat

this is how i'm feeling today. for those who have never been able to empathize with pork sausage stuffed into casings, feel joyful, because today i understand.

i'm wearing pants that were once snug, then were loose and now they are snug again! I woke up for yoga and every time we did downward facing dog i saw another roll. moving from position to position felt more of a struggle than the poses.

yesterday in zumba i just saw this circular donut in the mirror. which were actually my hips.

on saturday i zipped into (with the help of Dr.Gatewood) a size 6 dress that did not resemble a moomoo or sack of potatos-but rather was a legit size 6 dress. today i am not sure i'd fit into a size 16 and maybe should don the moomoo!?

its amazing how three lbs can actually feel more like 300lbs. Okay-more like 30lbs.

the hardest part about all of this is not the tight pants, not the added pounds, but recognizing that this is more fluff, more rolls, more fat that i was willing to acknowledge and its going to be a lot harder and longer than i anticipated to be back in shape.

so it will mean many more gym classes looking at round shapes in the mirror- wondering how my body even morphed that way and more downward facing dogs and pigeon positions that require bending my body over some rolls a lot more times than i even want to think about.

it means not being a size smaller for a high school reunion. but it possibly means rolling in the new year sans rolls and tight pants...