i still have a gut

but i did three hours of classes today. all the trainers out there are shrugging their shoulders, saying- yeah i do that every day.

but i can't sit down or stand up without holding onto something and i smell pretty gross. i needed to do it for so many reasons.

i needed to kick my ass. i needed to push myself until i was over the "going to the gym is cute/cool" mode- where one day a week was feeling sufficient. i needed to smell bad-- seriously- i needed to SWEAT to come home and know that i worked my body and burned some fat cells.

and i needed this perspective i am seeing from right now. how do you teach a class, share inspirational activities, hang motivational quotes in your office and see a pretty foggy glass--not sure if it's half of anything?

i have to share a couple of things with you before i go shower-- since i think this funk will scare any sweet dreams away. first its this-- look you have to sometimes just do things. i asked one of my coworkers how she got over a relationship that was toxic (this is someone who is going on 20+ years in recovery) and she said sometimes you just have to do it. Nike gets it-- sometimes to get it done, you have to just do it.

we give ourselves permission to slack off so much. we have all the nice and polite answers for why we ate too much tonight or why we have gained weight. (all i've done for three months is whine about jacob, my crazy transition with both employment and apartment---and then some---hey-that's what this blog is all about ME, whining.)

we give ourselves permission to miss the gym, to spend too much money, to fall in love with assholes, to make bad choices-- but how often do we tell ourselves "suck it up and get this shit done"? how often do we give ourselves a time out for bad behavior? sure our parents don't "parent" us so much anymore-- but sometimes we need them to stop agreeing and nodding and say "hey- stop crying".

that's it. its that simple. that's what i had to do tonight. sure today wasn't perfect. juliet brought in marble cake that melted in my mouth and a "marshmellow dream" (rice krispies treat) seemed like a perfect end to my workday along with the cappucino (thanks mom for the gift card) but i had my salad last night for dinner, tonight for dinner was salad and a bison burger (no bun) and got my homemade chicken salad wrap ready for lunch (just like yesterday)--- because i had to say to myself "JPS- you're fat because you eat as much as a horse does- and it's carbs and bread and just junk-" "stop whining and get back in shape.".

will this last? i hope to jesus! you know even my mom noticed this need for a reality check, when i told her i can get up super early for things on the weekend or i'm excited about (i.e. 4am to head to NYC) but can't get up at 7am for work-- and my mom's answer "i think my daughter needs to grow up"- of course i didn't give the most mature response back-but this is my blog, and so we move on.

here's the last thing for motivational moments wednesday evening.... the people who ran the training in NYC talk about playing "above the line"- the exact wording for how it works- i can't remember but i remember this. playing above the line means no exceptions. no excuses- what's left is you. no "i was late becasue the bus was in traffic" or "i gained weight because someone else brought food to work" none of that...it's about you and what you are accountable for--what you take away the excuses, how do you justify your actions?

do they make you happy? when all the BS is gone around you, and you look around do you love what's left enough to give 100%? when i stopped complaining and took away the "reasons and excuses" i was left.

and i went to the gym. and i worked out. and i told myself 'mind over matter'. i washed my floor in the kitchen. i washed my dishes. and i am happy with today.

and to end on some more fluffy cheesy shizzat- thanks for letting me know you read this blog. it helps i feel more validated from time to time.

i'm out.

fat

i saw it. i walked into class and saw it. my rolls, pudge, extra softness or jiggle whatever you want to call it to feel better, it was there. i saw my face a bit chubbier and my body way less defined. all there in the mirror at the gym.

there's no more hiding or eating everything like i have a great metabolism. no more pretending to gear up then having 3 extra snacks a day. it's time to say no to donuts, pastries and tiny pieces of dessert at work.

it's time to eat salad. to work out and to not think that the scale is off. or that i'm just bloated or had too much fiber kind of day.

just because my ever stretching clothes fit or i don't actually have to remove my clothes in the company of anyone i'm trying to impress doesn't mean i can "pretend" that i really didn't gain that much or well you have been under a lot of stress.

yes, today's class is going to leave me sore in a couple of places. my muscles and eyes basically--as i totally denied the fact that i had in fact GAINED extra weight. i saw it in the mirror, felt myself roll over it during dead lifts and couldn't find extra energy for the third set of pushups.

this my friends is what it means to be, OUT of SHAPE and gaining weight.

this being said we'll see how it goes tomorrow and so on.

i will say tonight's salad was just as delicious per usual. and although i over blended the chicken salad (yup kind of gross) tomorrow's wrap will be great. because getting in shape is actually enjoyable and tasty when done right.

i'll try to update measurements tomorrow if the measuring tape can reach all the way around... okay it's not THAT bad nor do i want it to be.

a penny saved

so friends. i've come to the point in my life where my budget is such crap that in 3 weeks i may have seen less of you, or spent less time at happy hours, but will have a clean apartment and possibly new garden to show and probably have lost a couple of lbs.

its time to list the things i can and cannot do for at least a month until bills get even/paid and i have more than .75 to my name.

i can workout. i can cook. i can go for walks. i can respond to emails. i can twitter. i can FB. i can stay hydrated. i can read. i can listen. i can drink tea and coffee. i can make brownies. i can go to work. i can go to my second job. i can laugh, pray and smile. i can go to a museum. i can ride my bike (well when its not raining). i can have a picnic. i can nap at the mall. i can take pictures. i can have a beer (until i have no more in my fridge). i can drink some wine.

and the things i will be declining.

all things that cost more than...free.

this is a liberating and annoying place to be. liberating because i know i can do it and then i am proud at how little i really need to spend. annoying because of how many times i've been here and how i keep trying and trying to get my "stuff" together and then fall short.

this might be the last time i can stomach it though so...stick around for the long haul and we'll discover together.

$.75

i'm returning to DC with .75 in pocket. its all the money i have to my name after my NYC adventure. in 4 days a lot was done and it wasn't overly expensive, i just should have been more mindful at how fast it runs out in more expensive neighborhoods.

in 4 days i saw, harlem,times square, hells kitchen,the bronx, midtown, uptown, city island, soho and the village. i rode the A,D,F, and L train. and reconnected with one friend from HS, and three friends from camp. i met new friends at a conference and sat in the park with one of those new friends.

i have a manicure that is already chipping. but a pedicure i'm in love with. met a pregnant gurl with swollen feet continually telling me not to get pregnant as i recommended epsom salt for her feet, yoga for her blood flow and muscles and water aerobics for her cardio while preggers.

i enjoyed a lovely afternoon with my two sisters and two of their children; one of which lives in NYC and attends FIT. we browsed a street fair/flea market. found a cheap spot for lunch and parted ways at grand central station.

i participated in a dynamic conference and feel ready to provide effective and impressive classes for the women at N Street. and with tips that will help me jump start more effective practices for success in my daily life.

in the end i am for sure leaving NYC with way more than $.75 worth of experience and although i have some playing clean up and catch up and general damage control with the bank account, more than anything i'm happy to have came,saw and enjoyed a weekend in the city.

for leaving DC at 4:50 am on Thursday with only a couple of extra shirts and changes--my sans plans weekend was pretty full of some priceless good times.

where did my gut come from?

i signed up for the GirlGet Strong fitness challenge to lose 10lbs by july 4th. the next day the scale was up one lb. tonight i went to the gym and now decided a couple of chips and brie cheese are a great pre bed time snack.

i think i have to restart the Instinct Diet. It was the only time i started to see results. i have no idea what my problem is.

before it was being jobless. then it was a boy. then it was new apartment and now -- i just don't know.

i like feeling slim and sexy and not afraid of a little skin showing. i like when my family noticed some inches gone.

anyway- going around in circles. my head isn't straight. the gym was good. i miss my friend but not so much that i'm super sad--

i'm not going to try to figure anything out. i am not going to write a super "deep" post. i am not going to wait to long to put my snacks away and head to bed.

i'm just going to accept the vague place i'm in and hope that some sweet dreams grace my mind tonight.

i'll be sleeping when you read this

when i looked in the mirror after brushing (and flossing) my teeth tonight, i was pretty happy with my reflection. i am about to head to bed at a normal hour (better than normal hour) and turned off my kitchen light happy with the empty sink and clean counters and floor i was leaving behind.

it was a wonderful weekend with friends and good food. surely the true definition of housewarming. and dsr's visit topped it all off.

i don't actually know what dsr's role in my life is. he's someone i continually enjoy teasing about being madly in love with and listing the benefits of a domestic partnership with me. since i was 16 i have been convincing dsr that i'm the better choice. partly true, partly in jest. but recently dsr has made a some significant differences during some pretty grey murky moments.

i don't know if he knows it or not- but he has bridged some gaps that i wasn't sure how i would get across.

this is a work in progress... i'll continue this conversation with you tomorrow morning.

catching up with life

i've written about this before- i think after riding the bus on the first day of my new job.

it's a really cool feeling that you don't get too often.

and i've vented about this to all of you and then some more and now yet again... but change can really turn this sideways and upside down and down side up- you get what i'm talking about.

it can make the scale go up. the alarm clock not work so well at waking you up. bad choices (like endless amounts of wine) (or staying in contact with jacob) seem like good ideas. cooking is difficult. take out is easy. and suddenly twitter is the only thing constantly moving forward in your life.

my past dozen or so of posts are about change. moving forward. trying new things. getting back in shape. back to eating right. starting anew-- you hear me yet?

but i have also learned you can run your mouths (my mouths) over and over again, all over the place, on every social network page you own or joined but nothing matters until that change happens.

and when it happens, you know its good.

last night i passed on a couple of social options and tried really hard to get some cleaning done. and was 80% successful. went to bed with a clean sink and most of my clothes put away. and i was able to paint my nails...long before hitting the pillow as to avoid the most unattractive manicure with marks from the sheets.

what i'm saying is i was able to sit and let everything stop for a minute and feel ok. which means that a couple more hermit like nights and i think i'll stop feeling like i'm running on a hamster wheel, not crossing anything off my list only adding and adding and adding.

i just want to stop feeling like i'm one day behind life and 1.50 or 10 dollars short...

water and salad

something about salad when i am in need of good food that is refreshing like water. yum. i don't know why i eat crap food when after eating a salad i couldn't be happier. reifler is here in a week and i having not jumped on the treadmill too often am in need of some really fast detox techniques.

i don't think reifler is as concerned on my body image as i seem to be lately but i think my preview of my-self sans 6 or so lbs is so tempting. tonight after wasting time online (i.e. writing this post and stalking friends on FB) i'll get up and get cleaning.

tonight is one of my first unplanned evenings in awhile. i am trying really hard for the exhaustion to subside long enough so i can go to bed a little more in love with my apartment. it should take long and if i can push myself for a couple hours, i could enjoy a little bit of the movie i rented from the library.

the past 3 minutes i just sat here... wondering what i can do to put myself in "go" mode!? coffee-not in the mood, tea --could be in the mood- might put me to sleep, ice cream- maybe but really want to walk to a place i can get a cone with sprinkles, a run- probably but its dark and cold outside, workout- yup but--if i leave for the gym cleaning won't happen... hmmm... standing up and picking SOMETHING up off the floor--probably.

alright i should get on that. wish me luck.

never say never

i am never dating again.

you know how when you drink too much the next morning, you swear to never never drink again. and then very quickly you are holding a drink looking at it wondering, 'how did this happen'?!

i got my heart broken-well that was awhile ago (nonetheless, i'm setting the stage). a month or so ago, i went on a date with a great guy. wasn't sure i was as interested in him as he seemed to be with me. but i stuck around and decided not to jump to conclusions, and now he's dating a "great girl" and hasn't had time to let me know since he "has been dating her".

and the scarlet stamp of rejection plants itself on my forehead again. and i sit here sulking--okay maybe i wasn't so sure, but could you give me a minute to not be so fragile before marking my forehead?

if i could sleep and awaken to a bright new day, i would run so far from these last few months that it would take much more than a turn around to get back to this place that i've been sulking in.

and this rain. this rain needs to ease up and let folks who really are energized by sunshine to recharge our batteries. and for those whose batteries are feeling lower than usual, we need more than just a "partly cloudy" day to feel warmth on our faces--long enough to dry the tears that although may not be visible feel like a continuous waterfall.

i am not calling you. i am not texting you. i am not going to flirt with you or try to go out on a date with you. i am not interested in you and i for sure am not going to date you--until i becomes more solid.

so i can be less dramatic. i will date again. but i will never date again when i'm not the center of my world.

when i close my eyes tonight i'm leaving april behind. i'm turning the page of my planner and when i awake in may i'll be running as fast as i can away from these rainy april days. come what may-rain or mud, uphill or down, i'm running past all of it. and where i end up is where i'll begin again, and i'll be left standing focusing on centering myself in my world.