this is not a sad post

i didn't wake up early but i woke up happy. i couldn't get it together quick enough to make anything grand for breakfast but got it together to make some rice and tea. and i sat next to Josh Ritter playing on my laptop as i ate and i knew some tears were waiting to season the rice in my lap.

its like a train wreck. you go to the pages you know have pictures the little punk on one shoulder is whispering to you to go and look at- even though you know your heart isn't as strong. and you're mixed with these emotions like a new age blues song with some rock n'roll thrown in. you're not sure if you are happy or sad, indifferent or confused.

his small face pulled the tears from inside of me. and the quiet guitar from Josh Ritter kept them falling at a slow and steady pace.

somewhere in the greater universe our paths have crossed. i don't believe we were meant to meet now in this space and time but i know we're connected. i don't know when i'll have the courage to reconnect but it will happen someday.

until that day comes, i'm quite sure he'll keep the conversation going in the tears that get pulled from inside and fall gracefully exposing so many emotions, thoughts and words to the outside. discharging toxins and communicating lots-even when my voice is lost.

picture this

i opened the door, waited with my hand in the way of closing, could see it fully and could see it about to be shut only this time it felt like it was slammed.

he only shut the door-my mind turned it into a slam because i set myself up.

boo. i just finished talking upstairs about how i'm happy being single (in a more valid way than i've ever felt before) and have seen this act out with boys and dates etc and then today i set myself to find the crap feeling of rejection.

i need to pick my head up, shake it off and get over it because- a of all it's not that serious and b of all we've long ago established that mwf is not someone who is going to be riding on a white horse into my dream world anytime in this space and time.

i'm stepping down now off of my soap box. might take a few minutes, i climbed up a bit high this time. i could focus on real productive work now... what a novel idea.

okay i'm stepping back into my adult life now where i do productive work and help people with their work and lives. back to my safety zone with my apartment that i love and gym addiction. i'm stepping back into my 27 year old jaded self much happier and in soon to be in better physical and mental shape than that 19 year old that met mwf and seemed to think he was magical and dreamy.

off she goes.

two weeks notice

bees and two weeks notice. two things that bring me fear and frustration. i need to man up tonight and give my two weeks notice. i am tired of hating my life the days i have to work. of trekking 30 minutes or so to work, of leaving the job i LOVE early to get to a job that i'm only acquaintances with. i'm tired of screaming so loud in my mind and not having anyone hear a thing.

the other day while chatting with grace, i mentioned to her a lot of the things i still struggle with and am working on etc. one of which had to do with my dad and how i haven't felt "him around". how i long to believe he's around somewhere near- but i can't trick my mind into accepting something that hasn't become real to me. sure i've thought of my dad, remembered my dad, cried for my dad but haven't felt his presence.

but i'm sitting here and thinking about how tonight i have to "face the music" and be done with my PT job and a bee is flying around my kitchen window. at first i thought he was on the inside until i looked closer. i didn't know bees liked salsa and tostitos or hazelnut cream coffee-but he was working pretty hard to get in. stinger or something scary looking--out and ready to suck up some pollen. and i sat here just watching him not my usual panicked self had he been on the inside.

and i sat here thinking how ironic. its almost as though i'm given a visual reminder of facing my fears. bees or wasps or whatever that was--haven't visited my kitchen screen since moving here. and today i was having a "i hate my life" morning so thankful for the cup of coffee i finally was able to enjoy and there he was.

obviously the happy ending would be the realization that my dad is in fact around and at times when he would have been the one on the phone giving me strength to face these things (which i understand are not as trivial to others in life) that i got a sign in a bee trying to eat through my kitchen window screen.

alas this isn't that blog. this isn't that story. i am not sold that my dad would somehow make a bee appear in my window as i sat contemplating quitting my PT job and being able to sit here calmy.

but i do take solace and smile in knowing that i come by that decision in a stoic stubborn mood that would only be so as my fathers daughter. and that's my own story. my own happy ending.