never have i ever...

been so afraid of all the things i've always wanted to have happen. what is it about good things that makes them so good that their very essence overwhelms you into a state of fear?

what if it all works out? what would we, as complaining, blogging, tweeting, facebook status addicted people do if it all the pieces fell into the right places? what if the sentences make sense, the weather is perfect and the Universe continues to spin right round baby-right round? 

i am so very guilty of questioning the what ifs in the privacy of my therapy sessions. once upon a time in my life i said out loud; that my life was pretty close to being everything i ever wanted. then suddenly my world went black and i awoke to pieces of myself scattered all over the place, post massacre of my very existence after being run over by a train. it happened just like that.

and since then i've watched myself enjoy almost all the M&Ms in a bag leaving a couple for guilt; my companion for life, almost reach my goal weight then skip the gym for months at a time, keep my apartment almost fully clean leaving some clothes in piles and the cleaning products out.

so here i am again, facing some amazingly beautiful blissful days. walking with a smile that doesn't seem to easily fade from my face, listening to music on my ipod versus my sometimes angry or empty thoughts en route to work. i am noticing the lines of the trees, the solitary leaves falling, the colours leftover from a still fading fall, the happiness in a dog's strut. 

and i'm putting myself out there. and again. and asking the Universe for inches. and things are coming back in a wave of goodness. and another wave. there's no contradictions. not hearing my justifications. only these increasing fears running around my inner self in a slight state of panic.

running around carrying pages and pages of reference. of times in the past. of journal entries from yesterday. waving them into my conscious reminding myself of the tears and pain and hurt and missteps. and there's this gentle lullaby walking through my conscious soothing the panic ever so kindly. its this unrefined grace i'm not used to hosting in my life. it's this quiet calm i wasn't sure enjoyed my company or ever liked me very much.

i have always made wishes on stars. picked up pennies. make wishes on double digits on clocks and believe in the power of prayer. never did i imagine i would need an inhaler even just thinking that a daydream would play out in reality. but also someone that knocks on wood not to jinx things, i'm equally frightened that all of this is also only a momentary walk in the clouds.

either way. never have i ever slowed down long enough to chew my food more than 30 times. 

but i'm ready. to keep things simple and slow and to eat whole grains 50 chews at a time. 

3lbs less to happiness

if you have spent more than 10 minutes talking to me in the past month you've heard a lot of rambling about my fitness goals. scratch that--if you've talked to me in the last 5 years you've heard a lot of rambling about my fitness goals. and if you've read more than one of my blog posts, you also have sadly been victim of my continuous whining about my "goal weight" "gym addiction" or "weight loss" goals.

well close the browser now, because this is yet another-jps is on the soap box- posts which will also contain updates on yes- you've guessed it, my fitness.

this weekend thanks to the rain, i had a "to myself" type weekend, spending more time with myself and this computer in this apartment than i have since i've moved here (in april) and enjoyed it very much. thanks to the crap weather,  i came to a place that was quiet but enjoyable. partly to blame was the cancelled first date from a new guy that i'm already a bit suspect about. i think he could be a good thing but for now we have asked for support keeping all fortresses up around this heart of mine.

this weekend i also thought about my weight. a lot about my weight and my eating and my fitness. thanks to grace i finally had a name for my continued 'scolding' i give myself with every missed gym night; perfectionism. being a perfectionist it's never okay to just "miss a gym class" or to have gained 3lbs and not quickly drop it within a week of quitting the part time job i was pretty confident added the weight.

as a perfectionist, its not okay to enjoy a couple glasses of wine by myself and the head to bed. its not okay to waste that buzz. somehow this weekend, i told that scolding voice to simmer down a bit. to let me focus on some other things that bring me happiness and worry about the weight another day.

and i did just that. i focused on my apartment and am actually relaxed and have most of my laundry done and put away, a kitchen that sits with an empty sink and a calmness around myself.

and i thought about the potential suitors i have lined up. i thought about friends. i thought about jps 3lbs lighter and 7lbs heavier.  i've thought about your comments with ever post i post complaining about the added weight. and i thought about your comments when you made me feel uglier than any moment i've ever felt.

my conclusion is one that maybe doesn't make sense, but maybe you've noticed now that i'm not someone that likes to be figured out or fit the norm, although reifler told me i'm pretty predictable. despite enjoying every delicious non macrobiotic food in the past couple of weeks and managing to stay at the +3 lbs weight gain, i can't say i'm any happier.  sometimes i think if i found someone that accepted me with the extra cushion here and the less defined abs, that i would calm down and let myself eat and be merry.

however, i don't want to find that guy. i don't want the guy that put me in a corner and said some pretty horrible things albeit drunk, but i want the guy who lists his interests on his FB page as me. and i want the guy that wants to be healthy and fit for himself and myself and doesn't let me settle for trans fat and carbs.

because i like myself most when i lift up my shirt in the mirror and spend ten minutes playing with the different angles i can actually see my abs. and i am most excited when my pants are a bit big when once tight.

just like i the jps that doesn't settle for just anyone, i can't settle for the extra cushion that is not letting me fit into my somewhat skinny jeans.

but here's my grace- grace. much to the dismay of the perfectionist within me, i'm going to do it on my own accord. i'm going to perfect that art of living and enjoy my life day by day without hating myself the days i don't do A or B.

driving a standard car is really awesome. and when you do it well you are truly in control. you don't need to use your breaks as often and you can slow your car down and speed up taking full advantage of the gears. if you anticipate a curve in the road you can drop down into 3rd and then 2nd when you are about to hit traffic. you can coast down a hill and get up to 5th gear (or even 6th these days!) when you're on 95 heading up to NH. and when you need to or are tired or are learning, you can in fact, use the brakes. and its okay. regardless of which gear, whether you use your brakes or even the e-brake a little on super steep hills--it doesn't matter the whole time you are still driving that car. and you are still in the drivers' seat.

i'm going to drive. i'm going to stay in the drivers seat and all i'm concerned with is myself at the wheel. no backseat drivers or haters-- i'm going. and when i get there-- i'll be there, three lbs lighter.

fat

this is how i'm feeling today. for those who have never been able to empathize with pork sausage stuffed into casings, feel joyful, because today i understand.

i'm wearing pants that were once snug, then were loose and now they are snug again! I woke up for yoga and every time we did downward facing dog i saw another roll. moving from position to position felt more of a struggle than the poses.

yesterday in zumba i just saw this circular donut in the mirror. which were actually my hips.

on saturday i zipped into (with the help of Dr.Gatewood) a size 6 dress that did not resemble a moomoo or sack of potatos-but rather was a legit size 6 dress. today i am not sure i'd fit into a size 16 and maybe should don the moomoo!?

its amazing how three lbs can actually feel more like 300lbs. Okay-more like 30lbs.

the hardest part about all of this is not the tight pants, not the added pounds, but recognizing that this is more fluff, more rolls, more fat that i was willing to acknowledge and its going to be a lot harder and longer than i anticipated to be back in shape.

so it will mean many more gym classes looking at round shapes in the mirror- wondering how my body even morphed that way and more downward facing dogs and pigeon positions that require bending my body over some rolls a lot more times than i even want to think about.

it means not being a size smaller for a high school reunion. but it possibly means rolling in the new year sans rolls and tight pants...

this is not a sad post

i didn't wake up early but i woke up happy. i couldn't get it together quick enough to make anything grand for breakfast but got it together to make some rice and tea. and i sat next to Josh Ritter playing on my laptop as i ate and i knew some tears were waiting to season the rice in my lap.

its like a train wreck. you go to the pages you know have pictures the little punk on one shoulder is whispering to you to go and look at- even though you know your heart isn't as strong. and you're mixed with these emotions like a new age blues song with some rock n'roll thrown in. you're not sure if you are happy or sad, indifferent or confused.

his small face pulled the tears from inside of me. and the quiet guitar from Josh Ritter kept them falling at a slow and steady pace.

somewhere in the greater universe our paths have crossed. i don't believe we were meant to meet now in this space and time but i know we're connected. i don't know when i'll have the courage to reconnect but it will happen someday.

until that day comes, i'm quite sure he'll keep the conversation going in the tears that get pulled from inside and fall gracefully exposing so many emotions, thoughts and words to the outside. discharging toxins and communicating lots-even when my voice is lost.

picture this

i opened the door, waited with my hand in the way of closing, could see it fully and could see it about to be shut only this time it felt like it was slammed.

he only shut the door-my mind turned it into a slam because i set myself up.

boo. i just finished talking upstairs about how i'm happy being single (in a more valid way than i've ever felt before) and have seen this act out with boys and dates etc and then today i set myself to find the crap feeling of rejection.

i need to pick my head up, shake it off and get over it because- a of all it's not that serious and b of all we've long ago established that mwf is not someone who is going to be riding on a white horse into my dream world anytime in this space and time.

i'm stepping down now off of my soap box. might take a few minutes, i climbed up a bit high this time. i could focus on real productive work now... what a novel idea.

okay i'm stepping back into my adult life now where i do productive work and help people with their work and lives. back to my safety zone with my apartment that i love and gym addiction. i'm stepping back into my 27 year old jaded self much happier and in soon to be in better physical and mental shape than that 19 year old that met mwf and seemed to think he was magical and dreamy.

off she goes.

two weeks notice

bees and two weeks notice. two things that bring me fear and frustration. i need to man up tonight and give my two weeks notice. i am tired of hating my life the days i have to work. of trekking 30 minutes or so to work, of leaving the job i LOVE early to get to a job that i'm only acquaintances with. i'm tired of screaming so loud in my mind and not having anyone hear a thing.

the other day while chatting with grace, i mentioned to her a lot of the things i still struggle with and am working on etc. one of which had to do with my dad and how i haven't felt "him around". how i long to believe he's around somewhere near- but i can't trick my mind into accepting something that hasn't become real to me. sure i've thought of my dad, remembered my dad, cried for my dad but haven't felt his presence.

but i'm sitting here and thinking about how tonight i have to "face the music" and be done with my PT job and a bee is flying around my kitchen window. at first i thought he was on the inside until i looked closer. i didn't know bees liked salsa and tostitos or hazelnut cream coffee-but he was working pretty hard to get in. stinger or something scary looking--out and ready to suck up some pollen. and i sat here just watching him not my usual panicked self had he been on the inside.

and i sat here thinking how ironic. its almost as though i'm given a visual reminder of facing my fears. bees or wasps or whatever that was--haven't visited my kitchen screen since moving here. and today i was having a "i hate my life" morning so thankful for the cup of coffee i finally was able to enjoy and there he was.

obviously the happy ending would be the realization that my dad is in fact around and at times when he would have been the one on the phone giving me strength to face these things (which i understand are not as trivial to others in life) that i got a sign in a bee trying to eat through my kitchen window screen.

alas this isn't that blog. this isn't that story. i am not sold that my dad would somehow make a bee appear in my window as i sat contemplating quitting my PT job and being able to sit here calmy.

but i do take solace and smile in knowing that i come by that decision in a stoic stubborn mood that would only be so as my fathers daughter. and that's my own story. my own happy ending.

laced intentions

my intentions are laced with more than just good. they contain some past tense, some motivation and some ambition. they lack the get up and go sparks that set all these on fire. why i have no idea? they are intentions to hold what i once knew again but in this newness of the chapter i feel i'm currently waiting to start.

i feel like i'm walking on the edge of something good every day of my life and then i turn around and walk the other direction not sure if i'm ready to jump. i'm not usually scared of taking the plunge and am really not sure why i'm holding back?

its everything. its the mundane and the sacred. its not enough water to stay balanced but enough to stay half full.

there's some gusto. but staying power fizzles pretty quick. i add some pop rocks and coke and wait for something to go 'bang'.

i cleaned my bathroom. but didn't feel like cleaning the refrigerator or putting clothes away. although there is some hope for my clothes. i should shower and get this ajax off my skin and thus a nice pre bed time story would putting my clean clothes away.

my scale keeps telling me i'm five lbs more than i really want to be but my mother told me my ribs showing in some pictures isn't very flattering. i've started turning pages of the macrobiotic book i'm thirsty to learn more about and then i eat empty carbs the entire day, including a frozen pizza tonight.

i'm reaching out, stretching, enjoying this single-hood i've waited to basque in and yet my eyes are scanning, looking for you. looking for our romantic moment.

i see some slow down in september and hope to fully enjoy watching leaves falling one day and another day find enjoyment in riding my bike in circles around this city. seeing the moon as beautifully as my short circle tonight.

see the corner of the moon. this great big moon, sitting every so gracefully in the corner of the sky. with so many craters and bumpy surfaces and yet so smooth, so serene--so beautiful-- quietly glowing off in stage right; unnoticed by those of us focused on stage left anxiously awaiting the appearance of some great big thing holding a scroll unveiling all the answers and solutions to every question mark you've created in your world.

the end.

hello happiness. its been awhile...

its back. somewhere post jerkface JAD and amazing new job, around the corner from love for my new apartment and have i mentioned my really great job-- anyway somewhere mixed in there was this new discovery; a smile that plants itself on my face and stays there all day.

i'm not that gurl with a big toothy grin planted all day on my face. but rather i feel the beginnings of smile on my best days that stays with me all day. the moment before a smile. the feeling of happiness. the feeling of expectation that always opens the door to see opportunity regardless of the other side.

its here today and i don't want it to leave. its here today while i lift up my coffee mug, with the "wild woman" inscription on the front- found at the thrift store for $1-- and enjoy the coffee i made today that isn't too strong or too weak or needing sugar or more milk...its perfect. and enjoyable.

its here as i think back to the meeting i had yesterday with a financial counselor- who upon leaving reassured me that my situation isn't as bad as i may think it is. and this morning i saved the receipt to begin tracking "my every penny".

and its this feeling that is bandaging the open wound i left out the other day after emailing JAD. unbelievable right- me? jaded-single spinster vowing never to be hurt as such again- emailed the slimiest slimeball of them all, only two nights ago. but this energy, this feeling, this ...thing is covering that wound, wrapping it up and promising its going to heal and i see it, launching these wounds out on a sailboat to the middle of the deep blue sea.

alright enough fluff. its friday. i'm happy. i'm happy i can feel and see my happiness and i'm hopeful that it will stick around for awhile.

just some words

i'm leaving soon. to my other job. i'm so very tired of leaving work to go to work.

i'm so very tired of working on sunday. and saturday night.

i'm so very tired of being so very tired. of playing catch up with laundry. not able to put clean laundry away until its time to do wash another load of laundry and i need the basket to carry dirty clothes downstairs.

washing dishes provides a small feeling of success every time my kitchen is clean. however folks don't walk through my kitchen to get to the main room. which doesn't sparkle as the kitchen does.

i'm happy on most days. i am. i am happy-- i am more happy than sad and smile more than frown. but i think this is the 2+ job burnout feeling that i don't very much enjoy. and have felt before. and didn't enjoy before.

i think i need to pick an end date for the restaurant and then stick to it. otherwise, i'll continue to be in this foggy tiredness boat floating around in circles looking for land-struggling to continually standing on my toes looking over the cloud surrounding me.

i'm happy. and tired. but hopeful.

...

balance

whole foods tim has a tattoo on his ankle that is about having a balanced life. he told me that in thailand instead of saying what's up people ask if you're life is feeling balanced--i may have gotten the exact wording wrong but the general understanding is there.

i think that is really profound of the thai. its something i should probably embrace with my dear friends as i am realizing finding balance in life is not as easy as balancing on one foot.

home is always such a blessing. good people, places and food. fond memories and moments from the past and in the present. and so much more of the cheesy good lines that hallmark loves so much.

but visits home are never fully balanced. ever since getting hit by the train, it seems that i focus more on things directly connected or pretty close to home. i love spending time at home but also find that i miss out on hugging and seeing some very important people in my life, leaving with promises of a speedy return.

its always the paragraphs before the flight home, starting as early as the night before that sink me into a shallow pool of wonder. how long do i think i'll stay in DC? how many more trips home can i make without wanting to stay? and how will i ever leave all the things in DC that have made my foundation all the stronger?

for now this last paragraph is ready for sleep however i have a list of things to do and of things i forgot to do and need to attend to tomorrow.

they say you can never go home again. and i say you may never be able to return home again but i'm welcome here all the time. if only i can balance the welcome with the leaving and the visiting with the people and not feel like my tree pose is slightly leaning, almost falling.

waste some time

here's a site to waste- i meant spend some time on. why because it's good. when i came across this story i more than understood, am sharing it here with you:

dooya

Recently I realized that I waste my life on the internet ... and published this insight in a blog.

http://www.onesentence.org/stories/popular/all/

could have been a monday

i'm a poster child for why not to skip breakfast. when i'm running late i usually grab food when i get to work and it all works out. this time i decided to run late and lock my keys in the house.

genius here--

so now i'm biking to work calling my landlady and friends that have extra keys-yes while biking! (and getting mean grilled from hardcore bikers in spandex for breaking i guess some biking code of biking while on the phone!?!) the best part is i have a friend in town and need to give him the keys to get into my apartment.

couldn't be more fun of a morning until i get to work and announce my woes and need to go and get breakfast when one of our interns informs me that there are donuts in the main office.

perfect- all sugar- bad for me breakfast to stave off the hunger pangs and give me that good ole sugar high- long enough to figure out the shenanigans of my morning while blending into the shenanigans of my (already busy enough) work day.

brilliant.

so thats what happens...

i am going to head to bed but i should note much happier than two days ago... abridged version why...
1. friends (venting always helps)
2. therapy (see above)
3. massage (why didn't i start this sooner)
4. cleaning products that work and smell wonderful
5. clean apartment
6. textes from boys
7. going to bed happy
8. giving the universe that "look"- you know- the one that says you almost had me fooled that you were nowhere in site and leaving me to fend off this stress alone. but you done done it and now i can rest easy.

All i had to do was look up and remember where i was. Where i am, for the urge to vomit over his intrusion into my life passed. All of them bad choices, poison.

pursue happiness. whether its 1776 or 2009.

lazy fourth. i started my manicure over because the paint was old and looked horrible. i now have a new manicure with the french style but silver-ish tips. kind of boring so i added some pink sparkles. i'm not sure how long my "french- by a 13 year old" style will last.

per usual there were other things i could/should have worked on today. but my pedicure and manicure and blog editing-oh of course who can forget continual facebook checking seem to win everything over.

although all is not lost. tonight as long as it's not busy i'll be heading down the mall with jesse to watch fireworks in OUR NATIONS CAPITAL!

i do want to back up however. i have received some comments regarding my last post and i think i need to edit it a bit.

1.thank you for the kudos on the 2lbs lost. i wish i could be excited BUT alas it's weight that should have never been added in the first place. i still got some work to do.
2. okay dating 3 boys. i guess i just meant that i'm interested in boys. and they seem to be interested in me. and i haven't committed my heart and soul to any of them. and i'm not interested in even allowing my heart to be open...yet.

i'm at a very strong place in my life right now. its going to take a grand jury and maybe some flowers to convince me of tearing any walls down around my heart. sure mention jacob or rjb and you might seem me shudder-even mwf put a crack in one of the walls but otherwise i'm back on a foundation that i need to maintain.

its called the "love my apartment, cook good food, stay fit and enjoy flirting and fun with boys" stage of my life. this phase also includes but is not limited to; homemade margarita nights at home with friends that make me smile, visiting family and recharging batteries (family in all different zipcodes), hiking outside and not hearing the city for a day, walking my neighbors dog and enjoying the genuine love animals give away on the regular, grilling, loving-did you hear that, LOVING work and being challenged on the daily by work, staying in touch with the "contacts" in my phone (i like to call them my friends), having more positive conversations with my mom, updating or not updating my blog, having days off, paying bills on time, walking, walking some more, morning runs, late nights--i think its called living.

and how poignant to be reminding myself and others of the importance of living life keeping your-self in front of everything else,and pursuing your happiness before everything else-on the birthday of our nation. our nation- where freedom rings over our country whose founding fathers also knew the importance of this pursuit and chose to remind us in our very own declaration of independence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

just a minute of your time

i need to leave work because i'm not mentally working. or physically working either.

i ran three mornings (short runs) this week.

the scale dropped 2 lbs.

i'm interested in dating 3 different boys and have no plans to even try to figure anything out regarding each of them.

ok. i'm getting nowhere--time to change that.

happy fourth.

ah ha!

i had to take a moment to live my life instead of blogging it. sometimes you have to do that. you have to break away from documenting your ever bite of food and activity and actually fully enjoy them.

anyway tonight i need to hit the hay pretty early on so i am sharing an "ah ha" moment with you. feeling full from a very yummy dinner with the neighbors, my uncomfortable self who skipped the gym, reminded myself of the numbers on the scale and went for a short walk. it was a nice walk but i wondered what "crash" diet i could do to make my confidence boost a bit to see some smaller numbers on the scale.

instead of researching crash diets, or throwing all the food away in my house, i decided to use the "perfect diet tracker" that i purchased a year ago and put in my food for the day. and there it was! a year ago i was 2lbs lighter--and an inch larger in my waist. this still wasn't much of an "ah ha" moment--so i looked some more and noticed that my Jan. 26 2009 weigh in was 5 wonderful lbs lighter BUT my measurements weren't too far off --which meant that i need to FOCUS on those 5lbs and i might stop beating myself up--still very informative but not the ah ha moment i needed.

after i finished putting all that i ate leaving out the homemade chai (it wasn't an option)-- i saw it. the bottom of my menu page turned red and it told me i went 160 calories over my target caloric intake.

AH HA! so i am eating too much.

despite my love affair with food i think i know how to fix that. and thus operation shut your mouth starts tomorrow. its water and chewing gum each day, stealing "breaks" to get in a quick ten minute walk or sprint up the stairs.

i can do this.

i am the only motivation i need.

say something.

i should probably write something here before i lose your attention and i'm forever forgotten under many other blogs read only "infrequently" YIKES!

right now i'm drinking heaven for dinner. er'now again for dessert i have been making smoothies but tonight i thought it would be fitting as dinner since i had a preworkout snack and am not super hungry.

one of the things the "Instinct diet" book reminds me, you, us- is how availibility plays a major part in over eating and eating all the wrong things. we like to eat when food is in front of us. and we don't like to stop until the food is no longer in front of us. i've decided i'm very much guilty of this--i don't even know if i know when to stop eating sometimes. okay i eventually stop but i do feel i could eat much less if i stopped put the shovel down and walked away.

so that's the long story on why i decided a smoothie for dinner was more than appropriate.

today i worked on a machine that i think will leave me sore tomorrow which is always a good thing- since i always feel like machines (for me) are the cheap and easy way of "going to the gym"--i def. work harder at classes-

look i'm actually going to stop writing completely since this is a pretty lame post and there are much more interesting thoughts floating in my head for some reason the dirty dishes and need to sleep earlier have hijacked any "deep and interesting" thoughts from spilling onto this page.

gained

so today was weigh in for http://girlgetstrong.com/wordpress/2009/06/01/ggs-fun-fit-challenge-post-3/ which is a blog with fitness tips that i signed up for the challenge. doesn't matter i'm not losing any weight yet but it gives me at least another outlet to vent!

when i signed up i said i would weigh myself on mondays and post the results. well last week i chose not to weigh myself or post anything and commented that i was a big loser and feel fat and didn't actually weigh in on monday.

today i remembered to weigh myself (that's a lie i never "forget" i just chose to acknowledge what the scale says or not)-and just thought to post the results as my brain has officially checked out of work mode-- however, there was some sad news from one of the contestants and i can't post my pathetic update after that...so friends you get the pleasure of reading my stats.

and truth be told...here it comes--i have gained weight. even after admitting to this-post gut discovery last week at the gym, i took my measurements and all are up from this past january. (JANUARY FRIENDS--that means that i've gained MORE than post holidays bulk!)

that's scary.

okay. here's some comparison shopping for you.
144.2 (January weigh in)
thighs (continual fight) 21in
arms 9in
bust- ha!
waist 26.5
hips 36.5

and for the glorious update
147.4
thighs 22.5 (+ 1.5in)
arms 9 (same- thank goodness something is the same)
bust- still a joke!
waist 27.5 (+ 1.0 in)
hips 37 (out of control +1.5in)

i wish i had measurements from february when my sister exclaimed "you have no butt" (which from my hip measurement-you can see was a lot of work!).

anyway that's the post for today. i'm off to michaels class to get my 1.5in larger butt kicked!

have a great day folks.

i still have a gut

but i did three hours of classes today. all the trainers out there are shrugging their shoulders, saying- yeah i do that every day.

but i can't sit down or stand up without holding onto something and i smell pretty gross. i needed to do it for so many reasons.

i needed to kick my ass. i needed to push myself until i was over the "going to the gym is cute/cool" mode- where one day a week was feeling sufficient. i needed to smell bad-- seriously- i needed to SWEAT to come home and know that i worked my body and burned some fat cells.

and i needed this perspective i am seeing from right now. how do you teach a class, share inspirational activities, hang motivational quotes in your office and see a pretty foggy glass--not sure if it's half of anything?

i have to share a couple of things with you before i go shower-- since i think this funk will scare any sweet dreams away. first its this-- look you have to sometimes just do things. i asked one of my coworkers how she got over a relationship that was toxic (this is someone who is going on 20+ years in recovery) and she said sometimes you just have to do it. Nike gets it-- sometimes to get it done, you have to just do it.

we give ourselves permission to slack off so much. we have all the nice and polite answers for why we ate too much tonight or why we have gained weight. (all i've done for three months is whine about jacob, my crazy transition with both employment and apartment---and then some---hey-that's what this blog is all about ME, whining.)

we give ourselves permission to miss the gym, to spend too much money, to fall in love with assholes, to make bad choices-- but how often do we tell ourselves "suck it up and get this shit done"? how often do we give ourselves a time out for bad behavior? sure our parents don't "parent" us so much anymore-- but sometimes we need them to stop agreeing and nodding and say "hey- stop crying".

that's it. its that simple. that's what i had to do tonight. sure today wasn't perfect. juliet brought in marble cake that melted in my mouth and a "marshmellow dream" (rice krispies treat) seemed like a perfect end to my workday along with the cappucino (thanks mom for the gift card) but i had my salad last night for dinner, tonight for dinner was salad and a bison burger (no bun) and got my homemade chicken salad wrap ready for lunch (just like yesterday)--- because i had to say to myself "JPS- you're fat because you eat as much as a horse does- and it's carbs and bread and just junk-" "stop whining and get back in shape.".

will this last? i hope to jesus! you know even my mom noticed this need for a reality check, when i told her i can get up super early for things on the weekend or i'm excited about (i.e. 4am to head to NYC) but can't get up at 7am for work-- and my mom's answer "i think my daughter needs to grow up"- of course i didn't give the most mature response back-but this is my blog, and so we move on.

here's the last thing for motivational moments wednesday evening.... the people who ran the training in NYC talk about playing "above the line"- the exact wording for how it works- i can't remember but i remember this. playing above the line means no exceptions. no excuses- what's left is you. no "i was late becasue the bus was in traffic" or "i gained weight because someone else brought food to work" none of that...it's about you and what you are accountable for--what you take away the excuses, how do you justify your actions?

do they make you happy? when all the BS is gone around you, and you look around do you love what's left enough to give 100%? when i stopped complaining and took away the "reasons and excuses" i was left.

and i went to the gym. and i worked out. and i told myself 'mind over matter'. i washed my floor in the kitchen. i washed my dishes. and i am happy with today.

and to end on some more fluffy cheesy shizzat- thanks for letting me know you read this blog. it helps i feel more validated from time to time.

i'm out.

fat

i saw it. i walked into class and saw it. my rolls, pudge, extra softness or jiggle whatever you want to call it to feel better, it was there. i saw my face a bit chubbier and my body way less defined. all there in the mirror at the gym.

there's no more hiding or eating everything like i have a great metabolism. no more pretending to gear up then having 3 extra snacks a day. it's time to say no to donuts, pastries and tiny pieces of dessert at work.

it's time to eat salad. to work out and to not think that the scale is off. or that i'm just bloated or had too much fiber kind of day.

just because my ever stretching clothes fit or i don't actually have to remove my clothes in the company of anyone i'm trying to impress doesn't mean i can "pretend" that i really didn't gain that much or well you have been under a lot of stress.

yes, today's class is going to leave me sore in a couple of places. my muscles and eyes basically--as i totally denied the fact that i had in fact GAINED extra weight. i saw it in the mirror, felt myself roll over it during dead lifts and couldn't find extra energy for the third set of pushups.

this my friends is what it means to be, OUT of SHAPE and gaining weight.

this being said we'll see how it goes tomorrow and so on.

i will say tonight's salad was just as delicious per usual. and although i over blended the chicken salad (yup kind of gross) tomorrow's wrap will be great. because getting in shape is actually enjoyable and tasty when done right.

i'll try to update measurements tomorrow if the measuring tape can reach all the way around... okay it's not THAT bad nor do i want it to be.

a penny saved

so friends. i've come to the point in my life where my budget is such crap that in 3 weeks i may have seen less of you, or spent less time at happy hours, but will have a clean apartment and possibly new garden to show and probably have lost a couple of lbs.

its time to list the things i can and cannot do for at least a month until bills get even/paid and i have more than .75 to my name.

i can workout. i can cook. i can go for walks. i can respond to emails. i can twitter. i can FB. i can stay hydrated. i can read. i can listen. i can drink tea and coffee. i can make brownies. i can go to work. i can go to my second job. i can laugh, pray and smile. i can go to a museum. i can ride my bike (well when its not raining). i can have a picnic. i can nap at the mall. i can take pictures. i can have a beer (until i have no more in my fridge). i can drink some wine.

and the things i will be declining.

all things that cost more than...free.

this is a liberating and annoying place to be. liberating because i know i can do it and then i am proud at how little i really need to spend. annoying because of how many times i've been here and how i keep trying and trying to get my "stuff" together and then fall short.

this might be the last time i can stomach it though so...stick around for the long haul and we'll discover together.

$.75

i'm returning to DC with .75 in pocket. its all the money i have to my name after my NYC adventure. in 4 days a lot was done and it wasn't overly expensive, i just should have been more mindful at how fast it runs out in more expensive neighborhoods.

in 4 days i saw, harlem,times square, hells kitchen,the bronx, midtown, uptown, city island, soho and the village. i rode the A,D,F, and L train. and reconnected with one friend from HS, and three friends from camp. i met new friends at a conference and sat in the park with one of those new friends.

i have a manicure that is already chipping. but a pedicure i'm in love with. met a pregnant gurl with swollen feet continually telling me not to get pregnant as i recommended epsom salt for her feet, yoga for her blood flow and muscles and water aerobics for her cardio while preggers.

i enjoyed a lovely afternoon with my two sisters and two of their children; one of which lives in NYC and attends FIT. we browsed a street fair/flea market. found a cheap spot for lunch and parted ways at grand central station.

i participated in a dynamic conference and feel ready to provide effective and impressive classes for the women at N Street. and with tips that will help me jump start more effective practices for success in my daily life.

in the end i am for sure leaving NYC with way more than $.75 worth of experience and although i have some playing clean up and catch up and general damage control with the bank account, more than anything i'm happy to have came,saw and enjoyed a weekend in the city.

for leaving DC at 4:50 am on Thursday with only a couple of extra shirts and changes--my sans plans weekend was pretty full of some priceless good times.

where did my gut come from?

i signed up for the GirlGet Strong fitness challenge to lose 10lbs by july 4th. the next day the scale was up one lb. tonight i went to the gym and now decided a couple of chips and brie cheese are a great pre bed time snack.

i think i have to restart the Instinct Diet. It was the only time i started to see results. i have no idea what my problem is.

before it was being jobless. then it was a boy. then it was new apartment and now -- i just don't know.

i like feeling slim and sexy and not afraid of a little skin showing. i like when my family noticed some inches gone.

anyway- going around in circles. my head isn't straight. the gym was good. i miss my friend but not so much that i'm super sad--

i'm not going to try to figure anything out. i am not going to write a super "deep" post. i am not going to wait to long to put my snacks away and head to bed.

i'm just going to accept the vague place i'm in and hope that some sweet dreams grace my mind tonight.

i'll be sleeping when you read this

when i looked in the mirror after brushing (and flossing) my teeth tonight, i was pretty happy with my reflection. i am about to head to bed at a normal hour (better than normal hour) and turned off my kitchen light happy with the empty sink and clean counters and floor i was leaving behind.

it was a wonderful weekend with friends and good food. surely the true definition of housewarming. and dsr's visit topped it all off.

i don't actually know what dsr's role in my life is. he's someone i continually enjoy teasing about being madly in love with and listing the benefits of a domestic partnership with me. since i was 16 i have been convincing dsr that i'm the better choice. partly true, partly in jest. but recently dsr has made a some significant differences during some pretty grey murky moments.

i don't know if he knows it or not- but he has bridged some gaps that i wasn't sure how i would get across.

this is a work in progress... i'll continue this conversation with you tomorrow morning.

catching up with life

i've written about this before- i think after riding the bus on the first day of my new job.

it's a really cool feeling that you don't get too often.

and i've vented about this to all of you and then some more and now yet again... but change can really turn this sideways and upside down and down side up- you get what i'm talking about.

it can make the scale go up. the alarm clock not work so well at waking you up. bad choices (like endless amounts of wine) (or staying in contact with jacob) seem like good ideas. cooking is difficult. take out is easy. and suddenly twitter is the only thing constantly moving forward in your life.

my past dozen or so of posts are about change. moving forward. trying new things. getting back in shape. back to eating right. starting anew-- you hear me yet?

but i have also learned you can run your mouths (my mouths) over and over again, all over the place, on every social network page you own or joined but nothing matters until that change happens.

and when it happens, you know its good.

last night i passed on a couple of social options and tried really hard to get some cleaning done. and was 80% successful. went to bed with a clean sink and most of my clothes put away. and i was able to paint my nails...long before hitting the pillow as to avoid the most unattractive manicure with marks from the sheets.

what i'm saying is i was able to sit and let everything stop for a minute and feel ok. which means that a couple more hermit like nights and i think i'll stop feeling like i'm running on a hamster wheel, not crossing anything off my list only adding and adding and adding.

i just want to stop feeling like i'm one day behind life and 1.50 or 10 dollars short...

water and salad

something about salad when i am in need of good food that is refreshing like water. yum. i don't know why i eat crap food when after eating a salad i couldn't be happier. reifler is here in a week and i having not jumped on the treadmill too often am in need of some really fast detox techniques.

i don't think reifler is as concerned on my body image as i seem to be lately but i think my preview of my-self sans 6 or so lbs is so tempting. tonight after wasting time online (i.e. writing this post and stalking friends on FB) i'll get up and get cleaning.

tonight is one of my first unplanned evenings in awhile. i am trying really hard for the exhaustion to subside long enough so i can go to bed a little more in love with my apartment. it should take long and if i can push myself for a couple hours, i could enjoy a little bit of the movie i rented from the library.

the past 3 minutes i just sat here... wondering what i can do to put myself in "go" mode!? coffee-not in the mood, tea --could be in the mood- might put me to sleep, ice cream- maybe but really want to walk to a place i can get a cone with sprinkles, a run- probably but its dark and cold outside, workout- yup but--if i leave for the gym cleaning won't happen... hmmm... standing up and picking SOMETHING up off the floor--probably.

alright i should get on that. wish me luck.

never say never

i am never dating again.

you know how when you drink too much the next morning, you swear to never never drink again. and then very quickly you are holding a drink looking at it wondering, 'how did this happen'?!

i got my heart broken-well that was awhile ago (nonetheless, i'm setting the stage). a month or so ago, i went on a date with a great guy. wasn't sure i was as interested in him as he seemed to be with me. but i stuck around and decided not to jump to conclusions, and now he's dating a "great girl" and hasn't had time to let me know since he "has been dating her".

and the scarlet stamp of rejection plants itself on my forehead again. and i sit here sulking--okay maybe i wasn't so sure, but could you give me a minute to not be so fragile before marking my forehead?

if i could sleep and awaken to a bright new day, i would run so far from these last few months that it would take much more than a turn around to get back to this place that i've been sulking in.

and this rain. this rain needs to ease up and let folks who really are energized by sunshine to recharge our batteries. and for those whose batteries are feeling lower than usual, we need more than just a "partly cloudy" day to feel warmth on our faces--long enough to dry the tears that although may not be visible feel like a continuous waterfall.

i am not calling you. i am not texting you. i am not going to flirt with you or try to go out on a date with you. i am not interested in you and i for sure am not going to date you--until i becomes more solid.

so i can be less dramatic. i will date again. but i will never date again when i'm not the center of my world.

when i close my eyes tonight i'm leaving april behind. i'm turning the page of my planner and when i awake in may i'll be running as fast as i can away from these rainy april days. come what may-rain or mud, uphill or down, i'm running past all of it. and where i end up is where i'll begin again, and i'll be left standing focusing on centering myself in my world.

15 days

to lose 10 lbs. okay it isn't really 10lbs but i'm going to try to lose as much as possible.

i was doing so good until things got shaken and rattled.

apartment is good but temptation is too easy to give into these days.

i don't think reifler would care if i lost those 10lbs or not, but his call was so inspirational i would like to continue to ride the wave of inspiration and put it to work.

so. 15lbs it is. i have one bonus day (the 30th) to get a running start or eat the last of the whole world of junk i've been consuming.

here we go.
(again and again)
(sigh)

how i ate my 660 burned calories today

a story of stubborn weight loss
by: janaina stanley

1. bread pudding- honestly i was looking for an apple in the kitchen, when i was informed there were not any apples and i should eat bread pudding instead

2. pirate booty- c'mon they are just air! and some corn and cheese-- free lunch is at 12:50p and there were no apples so i needed SOMETHING to keep me from having a meltdown lol

3. strawberry rhubarb pie cooked by ann (my supervisor) = yum! had to eat it, supervisor made it from scratch

4. although i missed the ice cream portion of the official "april birthday celebrations" i felt obligated to eat a small (yes it was small-- uhmm like 1 inch by 1 inch) piece of cake

5. oh and i def. had a slice of white bread for b-fast with the eggs and lunch

where is my discipline?

*please note that this entire entry was written with a smirk on my face after enjoying that 1 in x 1 in piece of cake!

better day

for the day starting out with a horrendous weight on the scale, it's been pretty good.
it's not yet 8am (just about) and i've already been to the gym and back thanks to my new neighbor/friend erika.

i made eggs and am about to jump in the shower. its funny, i'm feeling a little suspect about being awake, finishing the class and not feeling totally out of whack.

maybe my better self has been waiting to awake at 6am and workout before work and my loser self was staying in bed feeling pathetic about random things?

who knows. it doesn't really matter. all that matters is i'm here. i'm awake. i feel great and i just burned 660.83 (according the Glamour magazine calorie calculator!) calories.

good morning to you too.

I thought spring would make it harder post break up blues, thanks to newly "over him" status, there couldn't be a happier single gurl.

white blanket - this isn't all about me. just parts.

i should have been sleeping. i started to yawn non stop after 9pm when i sat down to enjoy my dinner. and instead i decided to drink more red and make cookies that i attempted to share with my neighbors.

my neighbors were out until about 11:45pm-- i got "sean neighbor's" text and told him i would meet him outside in 5 minutes to share my experimental dozen or so of cookies. i slide them into the bag still wrapped in tin foil from after they all were covered when i thought sharing wasn't going to happen as it was quite some time before their replies surfaced onto my phone.

and i stepped outside and handed "sean neighbor" the bag of cookies. he might have said thanks, i don't remember because despite the "active listening" class i taught today-i, was not listening. in fact i had stopped listening and instead focused on the white blanket i saw across the street.

i commented to sean-- there's a person there, do you think its going to be cold tonight? and sean and i proceeded in a dialogue about the weather and i attempted to call the hypothermia hotline and hung up, thinking in my head "its not hyporthermia season and lots of people sleep outside on the regular, what makes you think they should get special attention..."

i pushed the thought out of my head, ran upstairs and looked for a blanket. i didn't have one so i grabbed my wallet, walked downstairs and told sean "hurry up, we are going to the Giant and i was supposed to be in bed 2 hours ago."

before heading to the Giant, i should mention that i called the hypothermia hotline again, afterall i've had it in my phone and haven't used it so why not now... and asked do you all pass out blankets. and they answered, despite my thought that they would laugh at me--that they do. although now past hyporthermia season, they close at midnight and i would have to call well before midnight.

so-- back to the giant where i told sean i was looking for an emergency blanket although i doubted giant had them. so we got nutri grain bars, bread and a vitamin water. only to deliver it to a man who poked his head out from the blanket and thanked us for the food multiple times along with saying "god bless you" as i ever so cooly responded that 'it was just a little something and i (as i turned and saw another gray blanket) didn't know there was more than one person' and that the hyporthermia hotline passes out blankets but is closed--and he responded 'there usually is a third person, is he there-- we're good with blankets, but god bless you.'

and i share this now, staying up even later, not because i want you to know the good deed i did, but rather to remind you as i remind myself on the regular, despite all my frustrations, i am so blessed to sleep inside, in an apartment, in the warmth of my bed.

i will talk to them some night when i'm not 2 and a half hours late for bed. and i will hear their story.

but tomorrow night if they are there, i will give them my cookies as they are probably the neighbors i should have been feeding in the first place. and stop being too cool, when handing food to someone who may be hungry.

i will never be a skinny gurl, and here's why...

....i have free food on the regular at work for lunch.
....our cook makes random yummy breakfasts/lunches and desserts available for staff
....i haven't settled into my apartment or back into my WORKOUT routine
....i keep running on empty and filling up before the breaking point with the WORST possible options.
....i enjoy beer with the boys next door.
....i just realised sans coconuts next time, i'm a good baker.
....i'm tired. sigh. so very tired.
...i date jerks and when they are gone fill the void with just as bad food options.
...i love salad but haven't been waking up early enough to make a salad for lunch which would help get the addiction back.
...i don't HATE the way i look with some extra softness. but LOVE the way i look when working out and wish that love was a bit stronger.
...i like to eat
...my workout modes are so intense they burn me out
...i seem to think a workout partner would help
...and would love if that partner was more than just for the gym
...have i said i'm tired? because i am.

but i miss the gym enough that maybe just maybe one day i'll be my own skinny gurl. not to be confused with "one who wears skinny jeans", i'll never be (nor want to be) able to fit into that trend.

Pt.2 ...never come close to capturing them fast enough.

Waiting room.
...my mind is always thinking. New thoughts circulating, and i...will never have enough blogs,journals or conversations to come close to capturing

friday

went for a morning run with erika (neighbor). was good. just want my body needed- well that and some intensive workouts to get back into the place that feels good.

detox is feeling better. going to make a "eat like a normal person" shopping list and restock the fridge with normal food vs. random purchases made during late night Giant trips.

really enjoying warm weather and sun and happy to look down on my toolbar and see sunny forecasts for the couple of days.

picked up erich fromms "the art of love" from a yardsale and really enjoyed one of his theories on falling in love. that what we feel for a person in the beginning of a relationship is not actually falling in love and when everything fizzles its not the person we miss but rather we realize the depth of our loneliness prior to meeting that person.

obviously he says it much better than i- i will update it when i have the book in front of me. but def. put some of my actions into clearer more accurate perspective.

glad to know i'm normal. ;)

when i start working out on the regular and feel better wholly and fully- this time- i'm not looking back.

Not sure if this will work, if it does, i'd like to make note, feeling huge & whalelike is inspiring a vicious return to the fitness world.

i am not going to lie

i can now send posts via email and phone. my life is getting better and better.  well that and reifler is coming.

i actually have a meeting to run to, but basically although i didn't get up whistling dixie, or as early as i wanted to, i did feel much better with the thought of reifler visiting.

more thoughts post meeting.

day two quickie

not gonna lie folks. this is me NOT at my best. feeling pretty down and out and not sure what i need to get out of this funk. (some spring time would help)

there's the whole grieving thing-- but added to that, it seems since the end of JAD i've not been able to kick all this grey out of me. it's a different kind of grey-junk-funk-ick-mess that seems to be like super glue that you accidently spill on your fingers and it's so hard to get off.

i never wish time to go any faster than it already does but at times like these i need a couple of months under my belt....i can revel in the thought of "me" far far far from this place i seem to be dwelling in.

any good detox

the first day is awful.

my stomach hurts and i feel depressed. drinking wine with neighbors tonight might not be the smartest idea-but going into work is not something i'd like to do either.

i think sharing a meal is a really nice thing to do but i'm so afraid i'll break my nothing negative goal on the first day that i worry--

i don't know what will shake this---

maybe a run. lets try that.

no time like today

i can't actually start right now- but i'm ready.

i am really ready.

i am shedding all things him and embracing all things me.

not just him. any-him that causes me to sigh,be frustrated or question my sanity!

i'm going back to days that i make me happy on my own,with my friends and in the simplicity of nature.

yup it took too long.
yup i'm feeling pretty dumb.

but yup-what goes around comes around and i'm ready to run.

game on.

reaching for my boot straps

it's always hard starting anew especially when i was going pretty well for awhile. a few setbacks and i took a big time break from working out and eating right. def. didn't make much sense but nothing else in my world was making much sense, so i followed suit.

i am going to revamp this blog since i haven't talked to justin in forever and it doesn't seem like he is as interested in venting his challenges to the world as i seem so good at. it's as though i'm a constant stream of rambles all over the place; in emails to friends, in two blogs, on my FB page, Twitter, gchat, and wherever else i seem to be able to spill my ongoing dialogue onto.

at this point i don't know if it's out of control, therapeutic or just frivilous!?

and also at this point- i'm NOT interested in answering the last question, but am interested in reaching down ever so slowly to get ahole of those boot straps. each time i have to bend a little lower and hold on a littler tighter to those tattered peices of myself that help me to pull myself up and stand up straight facing the world anew.

facing the world anew with new goals and hopes. and dear lord,jesus and any other spiritual beings that would like to help, please help my lessons to be ones I LEARN and not allow myself to sacrifice goodness for unworthy recipients.

friday i am heading to zumba after my long hiatus and then will try to hit the gym at least 3 times next week.

dear self

now that other things in life are starting to bring you back to feeling whole, can you stop eating for two? i know feeding your stressful situations seemed comforting, but you worked so hard in january and february and loved looking at your progress--lets get that back once you move ok.

and another thing. you know how you think you're cool enough to be in contact with him and slip him the occasional text or email- then you wonder why you suddenly feel ill or have that huge know it your stomach? it's cuz he's just not good energy. so maybe you can stop doing things that don't give you that high on life feeling.

you know how you turn your phone on and there is your russian prince charming staring at you and you feel all happy and smiles automatically get planted on your face? or when you think about your new job and the exciting work you have to do day to day? or recently when you think of your new apartment and how happy its going to make you-- lets stick to those healthy things okay?

life has put you through a ringer so stop bringing more agony upon yourself. you're a smart gurl. and not only is he not that into you- he's not that much of anything...really. and you know that. so lets get on the right track and stop walking through such mud and icky stuff.

alright- gotta go...things finally are turning around and i'd like for you to see the sun this time, so lets put the self created rain cloud away. you have amazing friends all with smiles that warm you heart.

okay? so we'll see you in better light my dear. and as your therapist says, 'take gentle care'--and as your former self says, do so but also paint the town red which we know you love doing so very much!

with love,
your self,soul and heart

life happens

when life happens sometimes things like blog entries don't get updated so often.

also when life happens and your new job feeds you free lunch and yummy homemade desserts diets get cheated on.

i've been so very bad. and have enjoyed every bite!

NEED to jump back on track! help me get there with your updates.

with peace...jps

and we're back...well almost.

so tomorrow i head back to the city. i didn't do such a good job of updating ye olde blog site mainly because i kept pretty busy this week and had a stellar week at home. ;)

for what its worth-- def. included some workouts while home which i really hope helps me with my goal which we will know when i step on the scale most likely wednesday morning back in DC.

so what did i do during my winter vacation?

3 zumba classes
(including one 1.5 hour zumba-athon)
1 circuit training class
1 yoga class
(best gift one can give oneself....moments to breathe space into all places that hurt)
+
1 fabulous gurls night
(including at least 45 min of dancing at mardi gras!)
+
few other nights with the ladies on various occasions
visit with justin (yes my collaborator) and his (cute) new homeowner friend paul
+
picked up lucky from the airport
randomly bumped into andy and his family at dinner
+
quality time with my mom
more quality time, this time with lynn and family in CT
+
some solid words from RJB
flirty email from another boy (not---jad)
+
smiles and hugs from bella and her mom
good food, fb messages, text check ins
AND MORE!

= one happy heart!

the bonus points will come if the scale is at or under the last weigh in. we'll check measurements on wednesday too!

tchau friends.

four minute update

howdy folks-
rapidly trying to get ready to leave for RI while also making sure the house is in perfect condition for my housemate and her mom who return from a four month visit to India! Her mom is coming to help her settle in with two new pups--- anyway i digress...

3 minute update

so def. not on the I diet, but still following a lot of the suggestions. Am bringing the book to RI with me as I am very afraid of gaining weight back while home. something about home and vacation makes you forget about calories!

i know i owe a weigh in....hasn't happened with measurements, but the good news is the scale said 140 today! Very exciting for me.

However the goal for home is going to be to return weighing the same or less!


wish me luck!

i'll update more when home!

tchau.

GUEST BLOGGER...Slow and Steady...

Guest Blogger: Laura Kingstorf

I have a new found respect for fitness classes. On Tuesday, it will officially be a month that I have faithfully attended not one but two classes a week. I realize that is only 4 classes each, but I usually have a lot of one-night-stands with classes (ie. that time I tried yoga last summer). But this year I've been sticking to a plan, and finding the routine to be extremely comforting.

I'm a part-time triathlete in the summer months and biking is my weakest event. I realized that I need to start building a base early in the year, but with a constant 6 inches of snow/ice on the ground and 4 foot snow banks around every turn, I thought I'd try a spinning class at the Y. My initial plan, actually, was to go swimming at least 3 mornings per week, and spin or run 2-3 times per week after work. Then I stepped back and realized that is how I usually proceed when the fitness bug bites. I get into an elaborate plan with work-out logs, diet journals, and double sessions for a week or two. The next two weeks are a recovery period, usually involuntary due to an exhaustion-induced illness, and by that point the fitness bug has since flown away and I'm eating a Guinness ice cream float. This time I went to one spinning class on Tuesday after work about a month ago. I took it slow and got to talk to the instructor, Geno, afterwards. Since that day, I've been going back every week. Admittedly, I haven't run on the treadmill in a few weeks, and haven't gone swimming since 2008, but I'm also not completely worn out. I plan on adding one swim or run a week starting next week and then building up my aerobic activities slowly (ZUMBA?!).

The second class I've been faithful to is a combination of Yoga and Pilates and it takes place 3 floors down from my desk as I type this. I've been working in the same office building for 2 years and never set foot in the practically complementary fitness center that we have on the first floor. I finally responded to the mass e-mail begging people to join and was greeted with such a warm response. There are 4 fitness classes offered each week as well as unlimited use of the treadmills and freeweights, said the fitness coordinator, and she invited me to try a class out for free. What?! It's not Bally's by any means, but the membership level I chose breaks down to $2 per week. Not too shabby. I've been attending yoga-lates class every Friday at noon for the past month. It's an amazing stress reducer and since I had to pay for all of the classes ahead of time I always have incentive to stick with it. Seeing naked ladies that I work with in the locker room will take some getting used to..

technical difficulties

hey dudes and dudettes
so i know it's tuesday and i didn't post updates yesterday. that's because the scale went up one lb. ;( then i knew why. so this week thanks to my female chromosome my weight is going to be up and down--due to such technical difficulties, i will regroup next monday.

for now though i should probably share some feelings and thoughts. i'm def not following the diet stage II in the least but i made another soup from her book and i think it's amazing. i made my first cuban black bean soup! i was pretty excited about it and about freezing yet another bag of soup for a later "easy meal". in general although not meal by meal i'm still using my "instincts" to remain faithful to the food lists and choices.

and i can't tell you how much i am loving my body right now. my upper half has been making me really happy. the lower half still has some jiggle but i get excited looking at my stomach and the muscles and tone that it finally has. def. still room for improvement, but for the first time in a long time i feel like i'm making some healthy progress.

at one time i thought that i wanted to lose weight just to be thin. now i def. DON'T want to be thin--i would much rather have a toned and healthy body. before starting the diet i wasn't sure what would happen and whether or not i could even lose more weight. after losing 15 on south beach 6 years ago--i have always tried to push the scale down and it's never stayed more than a week. not only has it stayed down below the added holiday weight but also 5 more lbs. today at one point it said 140. that's amazing for me!

if it drops below 140-then i'll be stoked! again no worries- i'm still in a healthy weight zone for my height and age. i also hope that once my stomach is in pretty good shape, that maybe i'll start to see my thighs shrink. one can have hope ;)

alright... so although i didn't post an exact weigh in, i gave you the emotional weigh in/check in. and all those results are positive. but in my other life i need to be going so i can stop having so much free time and actually find employment. ;)

tchau!

oops

so i am not 100% sure. but i worry that the scale might go up on monday ;(. I think i have been eating too much. and by eating too much, i mean eating too much healthy food. i have sort of abandoned the day to day menu of the Instinct Diet, BUT i have continued to use her recipes and food choices for meals. i mean i guess i'm doing the non conformist version. but i bought some salami (i know so bad) (lol) and have very much enjoyed that with goat cheese as a snack a bit too often. than probably rec.

i think it will be okay because i have continued to hit the gym soooo i'm hoping i won't see the scale go up on monday.

i am (excuse me, i'm going to stand on a soap box for a minute) also pretty sad about my situation with said guy from other posts. he came back in the picture for a minute then continued on his path of selfishness and bad behavior. sadly i've felt that the three months of fun and happiness was NOT worth the hurt i'm going through now. yup i think that's called regret. at this age though as terrible as it seems i would for sure trade those three months for not going through this depressing state of making vats of beef stew applesauce just to keep my mind busy while searching for employment.

some might say that he helped boost me into this nice phase of loosing weight but what's cool is he doesn't get any credit for any of the positive things i've been dealing with as i never at one point thought, "well i'll get fit for jacob" or "i'll show him,i'll loose weight and be even hotter"...nope these are all MY own goals and desires and that does feel good. and for today, it feels good knowing that i would trade that time with someone for happiness now. i know some people might call me a b****. well, we can't always be perfect.

ok but wait-- i did punch MUCH harder at boxing last night than i have in awhile. in fact i think my punches were pretty stellar. so --- jacob i guess you can own that for a minute, the fact that i could move someone wearing a belly pad with my fist. ;) good work.

anyway- thanks for listening. and wish me luck on the overeating healthy food. i know she says in the Instinct diet that you should keep healthy food in the house, but she also didn't say eat it all in one sitting. hmm. balance.

one more thing. i have to keep repeating this...ice cream with high fiber ice cream (add some fruit too) is GENIUS. so yummy!

have a great rest of the week.

record low

today is not only a busy day for me but a good monday. the scale read something so low i stepped on it twice!

part of last week i fell off a bit (see cheated) and went back to the first stage of the diet to make up for getting off track.

today i'm supposed to jump into stage II but i haven't had the opportunity to really study the meals. i glanced at a few options that i thought sounded really good-so hopefully i'll be able to incorporate the food choices for the next 6 weeks.

Measurements
My B,H,Arms were all the same.

Thighs were .5 inch bigger than last check in ;( not sure if that's muscle or what!?!? (or error)

Waist: 26in (.5 less than last week)

Weight: 142.4

Seriously- i thought it was 144.2 which is what it was the last two weeks. so i stepped on it again and was so excited and motivated to stay on track. i almost forgot to check and ran upstairs almost certain the scale was going to go up. I do worry though that this may happen a little if i loose a lot more. My body has been comfortable at 145 for over 5 years now so I don't know where it will settle if i continue to lose more. does that make sense?

regardless-seeing a record low on the scale sets the tone for a great week. especially given my roller coaster love life and nonexistent work life.

i don't have any good updates for the "love life" but i do have an interview today. so maybe the more important things in my life will begin to fall back into place sooner than later. nonetheless interviews provide a good boost in the "job search" whichever decision they result in.

some housekeeping: a few of you have commented on writing, i welcome your thoughts,struggles,successes, so send them over! also please if you enjoy this blog, leave a comment every now and again!

(pictures to follow!)

cheated

so with the inauguration excitement and visit from my mom- stage II didn't last too long.
my mom, a huge fan of "yummy" foods (being McDonalds or pizza etc) didn't seem as interested in me cooking for her as the little pizza place down the road. AND she deserved a few dinners out since she works like crazy and just barely had time to visit.

i tried to implement some of what i've learned while eating out. such as getting a salad before or packing some high fiber snacks such as apples for the inauguration (which we didn't really eat much of) (but newly made friends enjoyed some of the apples and strawberries!) and post inauguration i def enjoyed the large salad i made for dinner.

with the events of the week, i also didn't get to work out much but am planning my return tonight and tomorrow with zumba! nothing like calorie blasting cardio to get you back on track. i also am trying to stick to stage one of the diet until sunday.

the hard part about cheating is it gets you out of "the zone". you no longer are thinking with your healthy brain and remember the world of things like chips and bread. lol. so before starting over- last night i decided to finally try the indian fusion restaurant 3 blocks down the road from my house. although i got a spinach dish (with the ONE peice of naan they included)- the saddest part about cheating, is when it's not really worth it. it was good- but post i'll have to go back some day to try some of their other dishes to see what they strengths are.

my friend justin is dealing with some stress right now and i hope he does join us here again soon, but we'll have to let him slide for now. in the meantime i await some "guest contributors" who i feel will also help give you a boost back on track- if celebrating Obama made you want to eat a whole cake. (which i didn't btw ;))

tchau.

monday monday monday!

there's good news and news news.

first i apologize i can't write too much. i have a lot ot accomplish in a little time before my mom gets here!

i am getting so excited for the inauguration--and for not being tempted by crap food. okay maybe a little tempted by the DOUGH BOY stand at the metro last night but i walked on by.

measurements. here's the updates.

Good news:
Everything stayed the same! i didn't go up OR down but am happy that the scale said exactly 144.2 this morning.

it's good for a lot of reasons. one being my average weight is 145lbs and that's usually where i stay. so if i can stay at 144 then all efforts at the gym and eating right will hopefully push the weight lower week by week. (don't worry i am staying in the zone of healthy weight for my height!)

And everything stayed the same with my measurements although my waist was .5 inch bigger. which i'm not sure i think is a bad thing. i think that could be my error or maybe my muscles are getting toned ;)

so all in all, i'm happy with the end of week two. and despite being able to start the next stage of the I diet-things are so busy around here i'm not sure when i'll get to look at the book again.

okay more soon. happy obama day!

almost through week two

talk about an annoying week. nothing like getting rejected last week, then being in contact, getting ones hopes up only to be dumped again. never once getting to look him in the eye.

nonetheless what better motivation to kick some booty at the gym? this week with not much else going on, i pretty much got dressed for the gym each day wearing the same workout pants over gym clothes and a hoodie, marching there, sweating through pain,frustration and all other negative emotions rejection leaves you with.

LEAVING with much more though! leaving with burned calories and that boost in serotonin knowing you can and will eventually get over him.

i've really enjoyed this diet actually. i have learned some great recipes and keep getting more and more excited to try new ones. i made salmon last night-enough for both of us--right this is where he bailed once again,sigh through email- but guess who now has some great dinner for the rest of the weekend! the salmon with yogurt dill sauce was so simple and easy to make and tasted fabulous!

that's something i've enjoyed about the "I" diet- i haven't had to buy all new and exotic foods or a million dollars on spices or get stressed trying to understand how to make a basic salad following her recipes. they all are so simple and taste incredible and fit in with hectic schedules. ALTHOUGH my schedule is unemployed (not hectic) i haven't had to spend hours making anything and know everything would be easy to make before work or quickly after a workout.

"I"Diet i'm impressed--you took what i learned from south beach and increased my cooking skills all while helping me lose holiday pounds last week AND feel like i can get over a boy. that's a diet. okay and zumba helped and strength classes...okay AND the cute guy at the gym that told me he might try zumba next week. (well post inauguration).

thanks for continuing to send postive messages our way. i am thinking of all of you in colder states right now, be healthy and stay warm.

a few tips: target is now selling fitness items i their "dollar" section and they work! arm resistance bands and weights all things that can give you a quick workout while stuck inside.
i've put some near my bedroom door so i know if i stick the gym i don't have many other excuses.

next week is a very exciting week for DC (and our country) and i'm really excited for my mom to visit. also because i get to cook for her all these yummy "diet" foods.

losing bad habits.. gaining some pretty damn good ones.

in case you wanted to know...

what is zumba? what these videos....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5Hxw_Jf2B4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vf0q6qtThF4


it's all that and more!

you'll love it.

week one weigh in

i'm pretty hungry but always forget to weigh in before eating so today i remembered and am happy!

Before Diet
149lb-150lb (holiday bonus weight!!)
(sadly i didn't do any measurements)

After week one
and the scale says 144.2
I won't post bust measurements, as it's always just going to be a small bust ;) lol
Waist 26.5in
H 36.5in
Thighs 21in (be kind folks this is one of my target areas) (and of course hardest place to lose weight for women)
Arms 9 in

This is def. one of the first and most public ways i've announced my progress but i'm trying to provide honesty for the motivation you've all given me. i have a "diet tracker", which when used frequently is another great tool for staying fit, well i've gone back and forth with it, however i did try to update my weight every now and again.

i was actually at 144 in Aug of 2008, with some of the same measurments, however my thighs were .5in bigger and my hips were a whole 1 inch bigger! so i'm feeling really good about the measurements.

which of course give me reason to stick to the "I" Diet (as it's called in the book) and see myself applying a lot of it's tips into future eating habits.

that being said, i'm ready for some high fiber cereal,granola and fruit for breakfast.

happy monday.

tired,happy and not hungry.

end of week one. ah the bliss of a saturday night spent at home still high off of the zumba class this afternoon and last night! i know, maybe not the weekend that you are having but nonetheless one that i very much am enjoying.

so here's the diet report. this week wasn't that bad. i wasn't able to follow the diet meal by meal, but i pretty much stuck to the meals and just moved them around on different days if i was short ingredients for one day. i also didn't want to have to spend (and can't actually) too much over the food budget, which was another reason for shuffling meals on certain days. i didn't feel too hungry or deprived of anything. if i skipped snacks or pushed meals too late then i def. felt hungry and cranky. right now i have a bit of a headache from not being fully hydrated and eating a bit later than i should have.

brace yourself. i cheated 3 times! boo ---right? well let me explain. it was some really disciplined cheating lol. i was at my farewell staff meeting and they had a cake for me! not only a cake, but vanilla my all time favorite! i seriously could have eaten three huge peices but-managed to cut myself the smallest peice and enjoyed every last bite. when i say small i mean small... about the size of half a credit card and as thick as a deck of cards maybe less? good right?

second cheat was a ferrero rocher when i needed a chocolate fix. (chocolate is actually allowed in stage 1 of this diet) so it wasn't that bad of a cheat. and the last cheat was the same day as the cake and was a bite (one bite) of a friends pizza. and that was it!

i am looking forward to weighing myself on monday and also taking measurements. i've gotten some great encouragement from all of you,making me think this time may be the time i get to my goal weight.

as far as working out goes it was also a solid week. although "The Instinct Diet" does require exercise i feel it's bonus for the body and brain while dieting. my week included a hardcore strength class and three zumba classes,along with one today that def. made my saturday much better since i usually overeat and SKIP the gym on the weekends.

i'm feeling really good about the diet and getting back on track. it's amazing how one week can make a difference. my emotions were all out of whack and i was feeling really really down. i dealt with some rejection,started a diet,got a library card,was inspired by some good books,applied to some jobs, SCORED an interview and feel really fit and not gross.

that's the way to end your week! if every week has the ability to move me like that well hot damn, sign me up ;) for now though i'm going to gear up for another week of the first phase of the diet and keep kicking my booty at the gym.

oh right and justin... he's sick (faking) (jk ;)) but promises to be back full blast (yes i just said that lol) next week. so much for justin's headstart though- i'm totally gonna smoke him.

tchau.

walking hurts.

despite feeling less pathetic than the past 12,000 weeks of being unemployed, the rain definitely didn't make "rise and shine" really happen. i did physically wake up and turn some lights on at 7:30am but decided that i didn't have to get out of bed until a bit later. i won't say how late for all of my employed friends, probably wishing they could sleep in... but in reality that would mean you would be unemployed like me and that is not even close to fun.


i only left the house yesterday, determined to take a yoga class to help my stop my body from screaming at me in pain. i walked to the metro thinking about all the other shared blogs i could write with people to help keep me moving and active. i could write a 3 mile blog and promise to walk at least 3 miles every day if someone on the other side of my computer screen could join in the efforts. i guess that's what book clubs and running clubs are all about ay? although revolutionary to me, pretty standard and common for the rest of the world.


anyway the walk over was actually really calming and all my body wasn't screaming and the rampant "you're pathetic get out of bed, get a job, actually get a boy to commit to you, save some money" thoughts seem to be distracted by the quiet calm of my neighborhood. probably because it was a little rainy outside.

so i get to target before the gym and pick up another pack of orbit strawberry mint (they only seem to sell it at the 14th street target) since that's helped me not cheat and eat entire bags of chips and i see my zumba instructor.

for any of you who has talked to me for more than five minutes, you know that zumba is one of my favorite work outs. you burn something like 500-900 calories depending on how much you put in. (fair enough right) (although the non smiling, wearing a sweatsuit, barely moving woman next to me, who made me think someone had forced her to come to class and not only attend class but be miserable, probably only burned 150 calories for frowning the whole time). it's salsa, merengue,samba, hip hop all rolled into really active "dances" which require very little coordination. i actually have thought about becoming an instructor.


destiny convinces me to let her sneak me into the already full (you're supposed to sign in ahead of time) class and it's all that and BETTER than a bag of chips :).


and today with a somewhat busy schedule i actually won't be able to work out, and since i can't really walk up and down the stairs properly i think stretching will be a good choice for myself. and tomorrow i'll hopefully have enough serotonin to get me out of bed early enough to be able to hit the gym before becoming busy in the evening.


many of you have sent some really encouraging emails and messages to me and justin since starting this blog and of course this morning one of my quotes on my "igoogle" pages reflects all of your wonderful words ;) (which i do very much appreciate!) (SEE BELOW)


enjoy your day today and burn some extra calories for me!

Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death.
- Lynn Johnston

1/7/08

Murphy's Law is a son of a bitch.....

I get all geared up and focused to start this plan and execute it...and what happens???...I wake up one morning paralyzed. Awesome.

My neck is hurting real bad again today....don't know if I should push it at the gym until I can turn my head without wishing for the sweet release of death....

I'm an idiot..

Ignore that last blog...I guess when you hit some button.....it automatically posts! Woops..

Anyway..I felt good about this week...I was looking forward to really hitting it hard...I went into Bally's right after work and weighed myself...202lbs! I had last 3 lbs in my first week. Not bad eh? I was concerned, however, that this workout may be a wash...I woke up earlier in the day with a strange pain in my neck. I may have slept on it wrong. I started lifting and I could feel it bothering me right away. I did what I could, but didn't get in a great workout at all. I plan to make up the things I couldn't do on Wednesday if my neck feels better by then, beacuse it's Tuesday and I acutaly took off work due to it hurting so much. I may just walk on a treadmill at least to get my blood pumpng until my neck stops being stupid. You can always do something! I just hope this doesn't set me back too much. I think I can't go to the gym today either...I don't want to aggrivate anything more so.

Why is it...that no matter what time or day you go to the gym...you manage to see the same 2 to 3 people there....are these people there alllllll the time???...or has God simply run out of extra's in my life??

losing is more appropriate than ever

i'd love to spend a lot of time writing here as some of you have started enjoying this blog. however i am feeling pretty low despite my return to the gym. i will say that day one at the gym is never easy and going to a class by the hardest trainer might not have been the smartest idea.

what i try to do is go in with some type of negative thought then use that when you feel like giving up. it's amazing how much you'll push yourself to get that negative thought out of your mind or to beat yourself up for it. for example thinking about how much you ate during the holidays even though you knew that it wouldn't help your hips or thighs fit into anything without a stretch waistband.

i like to think about how much rejection i've had to deal with in life. that really keeps the weights in the air and not on the bench.

anyway enough moping. i am happy to have gone back but am not looking to being sore tomorrow. i'm also planning on attending the boxing class on wednesday which is another class to be yelled at and push yourself leaving you thinking you might vomit or die before the hour is up.

i'll try to be more positive tomorrow. just know that despite my miserable post today, getting back to the gym is something we all need to do. more often.