laced intentions

my intentions are laced with more than just good. they contain some past tense, some motivation and some ambition. they lack the get up and go sparks that set all these on fire. why i have no idea? they are intentions to hold what i once knew again but in this newness of the chapter i feel i'm currently waiting to start.

i feel like i'm walking on the edge of something good every day of my life and then i turn around and walk the other direction not sure if i'm ready to jump. i'm not usually scared of taking the plunge and am really not sure why i'm holding back?

its everything. its the mundane and the sacred. its not enough water to stay balanced but enough to stay half full.

there's some gusto. but staying power fizzles pretty quick. i add some pop rocks and coke and wait for something to go 'bang'.

i cleaned my bathroom. but didn't feel like cleaning the refrigerator or putting clothes away. although there is some hope for my clothes. i should shower and get this ajax off my skin and thus a nice pre bed time story would putting my clean clothes away.

my scale keeps telling me i'm five lbs more than i really want to be but my mother told me my ribs showing in some pictures isn't very flattering. i've started turning pages of the macrobiotic book i'm thirsty to learn more about and then i eat empty carbs the entire day, including a frozen pizza tonight.

i'm reaching out, stretching, enjoying this single-hood i've waited to basque in and yet my eyes are scanning, looking for you. looking for our romantic moment.

i see some slow down in september and hope to fully enjoy watching leaves falling one day and another day find enjoyment in riding my bike in circles around this city. seeing the moon as beautifully as my short circle tonight.

see the corner of the moon. this great big moon, sitting every so gracefully in the corner of the sky. with so many craters and bumpy surfaces and yet so smooth, so serene--so beautiful-- quietly glowing off in stage right; unnoticed by those of us focused on stage left anxiously awaiting the appearance of some great big thing holding a scroll unveiling all the answers and solutions to every question mark you've created in your world.

the end.

hello happiness. its been awhile...

its back. somewhere post jerkface JAD and amazing new job, around the corner from love for my new apartment and have i mentioned my really great job-- anyway somewhere mixed in there was this new discovery; a smile that plants itself on my face and stays there all day.

i'm not that gurl with a big toothy grin planted all day on my face. but rather i feel the beginnings of smile on my best days that stays with me all day. the moment before a smile. the feeling of happiness. the feeling of expectation that always opens the door to see opportunity regardless of the other side.

its here today and i don't want it to leave. its here today while i lift up my coffee mug, with the "wild woman" inscription on the front- found at the thrift store for $1-- and enjoy the coffee i made today that isn't too strong or too weak or needing sugar or more milk...its perfect. and enjoyable.

its here as i think back to the meeting i had yesterday with a financial counselor- who upon leaving reassured me that my situation isn't as bad as i may think it is. and this morning i saved the receipt to begin tracking "my every penny".

and its this feeling that is bandaging the open wound i left out the other day after emailing JAD. unbelievable right- me? jaded-single spinster vowing never to be hurt as such again- emailed the slimiest slimeball of them all, only two nights ago. but this energy, this feeling, this ...thing is covering that wound, wrapping it up and promising its going to heal and i see it, launching these wounds out on a sailboat to the middle of the deep blue sea.

alright enough fluff. its friday. i'm happy. i'm happy i can feel and see my happiness and i'm hopeful that it will stick around for awhile.

just some words

i'm leaving soon. to my other job. i'm so very tired of leaving work to go to work.

i'm so very tired of working on sunday. and saturday night.

i'm so very tired of being so very tired. of playing catch up with laundry. not able to put clean laundry away until its time to do wash another load of laundry and i need the basket to carry dirty clothes downstairs.

washing dishes provides a small feeling of success every time my kitchen is clean. however folks don't walk through my kitchen to get to the main room. which doesn't sparkle as the kitchen does.

i'm happy on most days. i am. i am happy-- i am more happy than sad and smile more than frown. but i think this is the 2+ job burnout feeling that i don't very much enjoy. and have felt before. and didn't enjoy before.

i think i need to pick an end date for the restaurant and then stick to it. otherwise, i'll continue to be in this foggy tiredness boat floating around in circles looking for land-struggling to continually standing on my toes looking over the cloud surrounding me.

i'm happy. and tired. but hopeful.

...