what if it all works out? what would we, as complaining, blogging, tweeting, facebook status addicted people do if it all the pieces fell into the right places? what if the sentences make sense, the weather is perfect and the Universe continues to spin right round baby-right round?
i am so very guilty of questioning the what ifs in the privacy of my therapy sessions. once upon a time in my life i said out loud; that my life was pretty close to being everything i ever wanted. then suddenly my world went black and i awoke to pieces of myself scattered all over the place, post massacre of my very existence after being run over by a train. it happened just like that.
and since then i've watched myself enjoy almost all the M&Ms in a bag leaving a couple for guilt; my companion for life, almost reach my goal weight then skip the gym for months at a time, keep my apartment almost fully clean leaving some clothes in piles and the cleaning products out.
so here i am again, facing some amazingly beautiful blissful days. walking with a smile that doesn't seem to easily fade from my face, listening to music on my ipod versus my sometimes angry or empty thoughts en route to work. i am noticing the lines of the trees, the solitary leaves falling, the colours leftover from a still fading fall, the happiness in a dog's strut. and i'm putting myself out there. and again. and asking the Universe for inches. and things are coming back in a wave of goodness. and another wave. there's no contradictions. not hearing my justifications. only these increasing fears running around my inner self in a slight state of panic.
running around carrying pages and pages of reference. of times in the past. of journal entries from yesterday. waving them into my conscious reminding myself of the tears and pain and hurt and missteps. and there's this gentle lullaby walking through my conscious soothing the panic ever so kindly. its this unrefined grace i'm not used to hosting in my life. it's this quiet calm i wasn't sure enjoyed my company or ever liked me very much.
i have always made wishes on stars. picked up pennies. make wishes on double digits on clocks and believe in the power of prayer. never did i imagine i would need an inhaler even just thinking that a daydream would play out in reality. but also someone that knocks on wood not to jinx things, i'm equally frightened that all of this is also only a momentary walk in the clouds.
either way. never have i ever slowed down long enough to chew my food more than 30 times.
but i'm ready. to keep things simple and slow and to eat whole grains 50 chews at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment