two weeks notice

bees and two weeks notice. two things that bring me fear and frustration. i need to man up tonight and give my two weeks notice. i am tired of hating my life the days i have to work. of trekking 30 minutes or so to work, of leaving the job i LOVE early to get to a job that i'm only acquaintances with. i'm tired of screaming so loud in my mind and not having anyone hear a thing.

the other day while chatting with grace, i mentioned to her a lot of the things i still struggle with and am working on etc. one of which had to do with my dad and how i haven't felt "him around". how i long to believe he's around somewhere near- but i can't trick my mind into accepting something that hasn't become real to me. sure i've thought of my dad, remembered my dad, cried for my dad but haven't felt his presence.

but i'm sitting here and thinking about how tonight i have to "face the music" and be done with my PT job and a bee is flying around my kitchen window. at first i thought he was on the inside until i looked closer. i didn't know bees liked salsa and tostitos or hazelnut cream coffee-but he was working pretty hard to get in. stinger or something scary looking--out and ready to suck up some pollen. and i sat here just watching him not my usual panicked self had he been on the inside.

and i sat here thinking how ironic. its almost as though i'm given a visual reminder of facing my fears. bees or wasps or whatever that was--haven't visited my kitchen screen since moving here. and today i was having a "i hate my life" morning so thankful for the cup of coffee i finally was able to enjoy and there he was.

obviously the happy ending would be the realization that my dad is in fact around and at times when he would have been the one on the phone giving me strength to face these things (which i understand are not as trivial to others in life) that i got a sign in a bee trying to eat through my kitchen window screen.

alas this isn't that blog. this isn't that story. i am not sold that my dad would somehow make a bee appear in my window as i sat contemplating quitting my PT job and being able to sit here calmy.

but i do take solace and smile in knowing that i come by that decision in a stoic stubborn mood that would only be so as my fathers daughter. and that's my own story. my own happy ending.