never say never

i am never dating again.

you know how when you drink too much the next morning, you swear to never never drink again. and then very quickly you are holding a drink looking at it wondering, 'how did this happen'?!

i got my heart broken-well that was awhile ago (nonetheless, i'm setting the stage). a month or so ago, i went on a date with a great guy. wasn't sure i was as interested in him as he seemed to be with me. but i stuck around and decided not to jump to conclusions, and now he's dating a "great girl" and hasn't had time to let me know since he "has been dating her".

and the scarlet stamp of rejection plants itself on my forehead again. and i sit here sulking--okay maybe i wasn't so sure, but could you give me a minute to not be so fragile before marking my forehead?

if i could sleep and awaken to a bright new day, i would run so far from these last few months that it would take much more than a turn around to get back to this place that i've been sulking in.

and this rain. this rain needs to ease up and let folks who really are energized by sunshine to recharge our batteries. and for those whose batteries are feeling lower than usual, we need more than just a "partly cloudy" day to feel warmth on our faces--long enough to dry the tears that although may not be visible feel like a continuous waterfall.

i am not calling you. i am not texting you. i am not going to flirt with you or try to go out on a date with you. i am not interested in you and i for sure am not going to date you--until i becomes more solid.

so i can be less dramatic. i will date again. but i will never date again when i'm not the center of my world.

when i close my eyes tonight i'm leaving april behind. i'm turning the page of my planner and when i awake in may i'll be running as fast as i can away from these rainy april days. come what may-rain or mud, uphill or down, i'm running past all of it. and where i end up is where i'll begin again, and i'll be left standing focusing on centering myself in my world.