i still have a gut

but i did three hours of classes today. all the trainers out there are shrugging their shoulders, saying- yeah i do that every day.

but i can't sit down or stand up without holding onto something and i smell pretty gross. i needed to do it for so many reasons.

i needed to kick my ass. i needed to push myself until i was over the "going to the gym is cute/cool" mode- where one day a week was feeling sufficient. i needed to smell bad-- seriously- i needed to SWEAT to come home and know that i worked my body and burned some fat cells.

and i needed this perspective i am seeing from right now. how do you teach a class, share inspirational activities, hang motivational quotes in your office and see a pretty foggy glass--not sure if it's half of anything?

i have to share a couple of things with you before i go shower-- since i think this funk will scare any sweet dreams away. first its this-- look you have to sometimes just do things. i asked one of my coworkers how she got over a relationship that was toxic (this is someone who is going on 20+ years in recovery) and she said sometimes you just have to do it. Nike gets it-- sometimes to get it done, you have to just do it.

we give ourselves permission to slack off so much. we have all the nice and polite answers for why we ate too much tonight or why we have gained weight. (all i've done for three months is whine about jacob, my crazy transition with both employment and apartment---and then some---hey-that's what this blog is all about ME, whining.)

we give ourselves permission to miss the gym, to spend too much money, to fall in love with assholes, to make bad choices-- but how often do we tell ourselves "suck it up and get this shit done"? how often do we give ourselves a time out for bad behavior? sure our parents don't "parent" us so much anymore-- but sometimes we need them to stop agreeing and nodding and say "hey- stop crying".

that's it. its that simple. that's what i had to do tonight. sure today wasn't perfect. juliet brought in marble cake that melted in my mouth and a "marshmellow dream" (rice krispies treat) seemed like a perfect end to my workday along with the cappucino (thanks mom for the gift card) but i had my salad last night for dinner, tonight for dinner was salad and a bison burger (no bun) and got my homemade chicken salad wrap ready for lunch (just like yesterday)--- because i had to say to myself "JPS- you're fat because you eat as much as a horse does- and it's carbs and bread and just junk-" "stop whining and get back in shape.".

will this last? i hope to jesus! you know even my mom noticed this need for a reality check, when i told her i can get up super early for things on the weekend or i'm excited about (i.e. 4am to head to NYC) but can't get up at 7am for work-- and my mom's answer "i think my daughter needs to grow up"- of course i didn't give the most mature response back-but this is my blog, and so we move on.

here's the last thing for motivational moments wednesday evening.... the people who ran the training in NYC talk about playing "above the line"- the exact wording for how it works- i can't remember but i remember this. playing above the line means no exceptions. no excuses- what's left is you. no "i was late becasue the bus was in traffic" or "i gained weight because someone else brought food to work" none of that...it's about you and what you are accountable for--what you take away the excuses, how do you justify your actions?

do they make you happy? when all the BS is gone around you, and you look around do you love what's left enough to give 100%? when i stopped complaining and took away the "reasons and excuses" i was left.

and i went to the gym. and i worked out. and i told myself 'mind over matter'. i washed my floor in the kitchen. i washed my dishes. and i am happy with today.

and to end on some more fluffy cheesy shizzat- thanks for letting me know you read this blog. it helps i feel more validated from time to time.

i'm out.